come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize