Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
