franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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