I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
