I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
