You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
