Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
