New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
