i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
