What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You're like the curious george of whores
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
