Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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