roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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