are you still at the devil's house?
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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