guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
