i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
NoShamevember. You game?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
