There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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