I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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