thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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