my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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