i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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