I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
