Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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