He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
