and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
