So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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