Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
