So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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