you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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