Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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