ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
