so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
