your parents love me but you hate me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
