to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
