Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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