You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
