I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
