So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
