I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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