be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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