just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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