I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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