: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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