Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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