If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
