Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
