I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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