I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
