i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg šš
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote āColleenās Dickāwith a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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