It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
