hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
