My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize