You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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