nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
