I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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