I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
