I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I need moral support for this bender
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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