Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
