I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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