I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize