Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
