and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
