I accidentally burped into my bong.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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