Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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