i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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