I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
